Posts Tagged ‘Job Search’

Image     Hello, I’m Kimberly and since I can’t seem to find a job in my field and I’m really tired of having no income, today I will be playing the part of your, um, dentist.  Yes, your dentist!  Come on in and get comfortable in the chair while I figure out what all these nice, shiny instruments do.  I’ll have you out of here in no time, what’s left of your teeth gleaming like the noontime sun!  No, that would never go over.  I’m not much of a sadist so I’m sure I’d be found out pretty quickly.  Hmmm….  Okay, hi, my name is Kim and today I’ll be your pilot.  Yes, I have logged many, many hours in the air.  Why, as a network TV stage manager I was sent literally all over the world for very cool and interesting gigs.  What?  Oh, you mean hours flying a plane?  Well, none, but I’ve seen all the Airport and Airplane movies and I’m sure I could do a better job than Charlton Heston or Leslie Nielson.  So, where shall we go today?  No dice?  Ooh, dice!  Hi, I’m Kimberly and I’ll be your croupier this evening.  Hey, look out!  Oh, I’m not supposed to throw these at people?  But, where’s the fun in that?
Think, Miller, think.  What do you do well?  You can control large groups of people.  You could be… an usher at Yankee Stadium!  A traffic cop!  An extras wrangler for Cecil B. DeMille movies!  Huh?  Dead?  Really?  Well, somebody must be still making those epic, Biblical films.  Eww, Mel Gibson?  Oh, no, I don’t think I could work with him without trying to kill him.
Let’s try this again.  Hi, I’m Kim and today I’ll be filling in for your… proctologist!  I think all I have to do is say, “assume the position” and then….  What?  Why the heck not?  My, my we’re a skittish prude aren’t we.  Your loss, buddy.  But, you see, I really do need a job.  It’s been 3 years since I’ve had steady employment.  I know!  Hi, my name is Kimberly and I’ll be grooming your dog today.  Pay no attention to the lawn clippers I have hidden behind the counter.  I promise to use them only if your dog tries to bite me.  Then my hands can be far away from the fur, see?  As long as your dog keeps absolutely still it should….  What’s that?  You want to see Candy, the regular groomer?  But I can do this, I know I can!  Nice doggie.  There, there.  No, I don’t mean PEE there!  Ahhhhhh!  Brutus, you go right ahead and relieve yourself wherever you would like.  I’ll go get Candy. Okay, here comes the elevator.  Wait for it, wait for it.  Deep breath and… go!  Hi I’m Kimberly and I’ve written this exceptionally awesome screenplay that I think you would love it’s called Nothin’ Doin’ and it’s kind of based on the story of my life and you should think The Jerk meets The Wrath of Khan with a little bit of Stand By Me thrown in and it’s really funny yet poignant and hey wait you pushed the button for the 27th floor and we’re only on 10 where are you going I didn’t get my full 30 seconds yet!  Ugh, freaking media moguls!
Come on, kid!  Think!  What else do you do well?  You tell celebrities where to go, don’t you?  Or, at least, you did.  With all that experience you could get a job as, maybe, the receptionist for a botox doctor on Rodeo Drive?  The recreation director at the Betty Ford clinic?  The bouncer for the back room at Spago!  No, I’m just not perky, sedate or burly enough to do any of those jobs.  But I’m very smart.  I could do just about anything I set my mind to.  Hi, I’m Kim and I’m your new philosophy professor.  Let’s see….  Plato was a sexist, Voltaire was paranoid and Diogenes dressed as a beggar, lived in a tub on the grounds of a temple and was called “the Dog” by his students.  Oh, hi, Dean.  Yes, I was just sharing some little-known information with my students.  Why are you laughing?  Sheesh!  These eggheads are a confusing bunch!  What?  You don’t want me to be your proctologist but it’s okay if I’m your dominatrix?  But I’ve already told you that I’m not enough of a sadist to be your dentist!  Get your act together, baby boy!  Heel!
Alright, time to get serious.  I really do need a job!  Let’s try this:  Hi, I’m Kim and I’m the stage manager.  Welcome to our studio.  Thank you so much for visiting with us today.  Coffee?  Sure, I can ask the stagehands to transfer your green room coffee into a show cup.  That way you can keep it for the interview.  Our host will be right in.  Why don’t you have a seat and make yourself at home?  Here we go, stand by please.  Yada, yada, yada.  Wow, that was really great.  I’ll be sure to take my kids to see your new movie this weekend!  Thanks again for coming in today.  Okay, crew, take a ten-minute break and when we come back we’ll do some promos.  You know, promos, like the one you just read.     Image